**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
