remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
