my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
