woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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