Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
