Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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