Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
be right there i have to get my cape
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
