he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
In America we eat man semen.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
