I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
