My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
