two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
