He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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