I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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