I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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