took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
