in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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