Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
