i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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