Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
