Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
