I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
