I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
