i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
