If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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