We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
