I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
