True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
