This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
