you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I will pee on everything he values.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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