i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
