oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
