I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
