She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
