i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
