Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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