pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
