I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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