Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
