Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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