I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
