my soul wont recognize me after tonight
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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