I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
