I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
