I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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