You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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