I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
