made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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