I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
