My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
