There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
